Atypical Tirade Postulating the Nefariousness of Spoons and their Insidious Ways...

Alright! so I got bored as usual and I decided to remedy the situation by being a little crazy as usual.  This time I drastically altered my profile on a dating site.  Below are the details.  Let's do this!

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My Details

Last Online

Online now!

Ethnicity

Asian, Middle Eastern, Black, Native American, Indian, Pacific Islander, Hispanic / Latin, White, Other, Undeclared

Height

6' 0" (1.85m).

Body Type

Skinny

Diet

Strictly other

Smokes

No

Drinks

Rarely

Drugs

Never

Religion

Other and very serious about it

Sign

—

Education

Graduated from college/university

Job

Other

Income

Rather not say

Children

Dislikes children

Pets

—

Speaks

English (Poorly), C++ (Okay), Other (Fluently), Japanese (Poorly), LISP (Poorly)

My self-summary

I practice psychokinesis on a daily basis because I hate spoons and want to bend them into piles of slag. Forks are the only form of cutlery civilized humans should use. Sporks are just as bad as spoons because I have never met a spork that functioned at an equivalent level of a regular fork. My ultimate goal is the utter extinction of spoons on this planet. If they exist elsewhere they will be found and eliminated. For all intents and purposes I am on a search and destroy mission.

What I’m doing with my life

I am trying to recreate the sixth dimension with a series of magnets and radioactive bismuth crystals. I hope to be able to create an n dimensional cube that has n dimensional sides because I believe it will inhibit the production of spoons and reduce the rampant chaos in this world caused by malicious intent from spoon users.

I’m really good at

Destroying spoons for the betterment of mankind. I also have a sixth sense that enables me to differentiate a spoon user from several miles away. This causes me a great deal of pain as the curse of spoon use is widespread throughout our society unfortunately.

The first things people usually notice about me

The two sock puppets I keep on my hands whom I continuously ask for advice. They might notice that I prefer to wear corrugated cardboard armor as I have noticed it seems to deter the spoon users. Others might also notice that I keep a handful of forks on hand as I often go door to door proclaiming my antispoon message proffering forks to the unbelievers in an effort to thwart the tides of evil. The persistent tick of my left eye is also quite prominent. At one time a particular individual feared my eye was going to come leaping out of my head. As far as I know this has yet to happen.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

Television is for the weak a warriors mind must be sharp.
I read any book so long as it is spoon free; however, I only read the odd pages because it has been statistically shown that odd pages proffer more relevant information than the even ones. (according to my research)
I hate all music originating from instruments shaped like spoons such as but certainly not limited to: guitars, cellos, violins, castanets and, maracas.
As for food it should be painfully obvious. Food designed to be consumed with the use of a spoon is vile and barbaric. All other food is fine so long as it can be properly manipulated with a fork or other implement.

The six things I could never do without

1) My extreme hatred for spoons
2) Psychokinesis
2) Dividing by Zero
3) The 6th dimension
4) My Soul Devouring Mecha Piloting Cuttlefish Army
5) My daily intake Mercury
6) Lead laced cupcakes

I spend a lot of time thinking about

How I can further the destruction of spoons to ultimately lead to their extinction in today's society.

On a typical Friday night I am

Destroying around 300 to 5000 spoons via various methods. The most effective I have found is to use a silane torch due to the lack of needing a pilot light due to it's pyrophoric nature and high burning temperature. I then use the leftover slag to construct forks that I sell at the local farmers market.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Once, I accidentally used a spoon after being temporally blinded by a spitting cobra on one of my travels. I almost died from the severe allergic reaction from the spoon as this was the first time and my body had not built up an immunity to the deadly neuro toxins spoons contain. I wish to this day I could find and destroy that spoon for inflicting the incredible amount of shame and dishonor that it did.

I’m looking for

• Straight girls only
• Ages 20-29
• Located anywhere
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals

You should message me if

If you share my hatred for spoons. Don't even think of messaging me if you have used a spoon in the last four years.

Alright, so there you have it... Still can't believe people actually tried to message me with this insane profile...